I’m so tired of feeling like it’s my responsibility to have less faith in people.
Javert - 50% Me / 50% She
I was young and so was she. I restructured myself in response to the failings of this relationship, which I persistently assumed were mine. As time went on I derived great meaning from this interpretation. There came a day (about a year ago) when I met Javert again, and discovered that she wasn’t the “better” version that I had crafted in memory to learn from, but was actually precisely the person I recalled and interpreted in my younger years. She brought out the worst in me even now that I was a version of my best and I opted to no longer talk to her for both our sakes.
Red - 10% Me / 90% She
I’d like to take more responsibility, I really would. But I remember things pretty clearly here. She nursed this compulsion to be experiencing perfect joy and life contentedness at all times and would be egregiously dismissive of immediate realities or her own negative feelings. This too often manifested in desperation and manic, cyclical, argumentative behaviours that exhausted me at best, and she never got anything but misery in the flailing - no matter my efforts.
Psyduck - 60% Me / 40% She
Some of what happened here were smaller, proto-versions of things that occurred with Photobug. Mostly we never got fully comfortable and I catalyzed that truth somewhat. I liked her and I loved her but I didn’t know how to help her feel at home with herself.
I did a good job of not committing any real crimes, though I feel now that it would have been better if I had stayed gone when I first left. I could have taken care of myself and spared her some of what she went through.
Bonelady - 15% Me / 85% She
Been thinking about this lately. I know my faults and I know my crimes (the next beautiful person will demonstrate that) and I know that I was pretty up on my game here. Honesty, forthcoming, patience, clarity. I did well.
There were mistakes, to be sure, and I certainly regret my stumbles. But none were systemic or egregious, nor regular neglects informed by fatalistic fears. Hers on the other hand..
*sigh* I still miss and love the hell out of this woman. She still has residence in my heart and I sincerely doubt that’s going anywhere.
Photobug - 85% Me / 15% She
My systems-oriented perfectionism got the best/worst of me here. I always tried to honour the bigger argument and the larger picture instead of actively nurturing the little things that needed attention and patience and hand-holding. Instead of offering a hug, I’d offer an argument. Instead of celebrating a triumph, I’d criticize the ways in which it was compromised.
From Javert, I learned how to walk away. With Photobug, I walked away too often.
Granted, it was a good intention to want her to volunteer her interests and desires. I was always operating from a standpoint of wanting Her to be present in the room. But it wasn’t easy for her and I so seldom just pointed out why it could be safe or easy or available. And since I didn’t do that, it WASN’T safe or easy or available.
I couldn’t have fucked up bigger or more regularly here and I often pray that she took whatever positive meaning she could from our time together. Though, honestly, I’d rather that ego was removed entirely from the equation and instead hope that she simply doesn’t give a fuck about me at all. Chances are it’s what’s best for her.
Jacques - 50% Me / 50% She
I learned a lot from Photobug and have gone to great lengths and pains to not repeat those mistakes. I can safely say that - for the most part - I have not. If anything, my biggest crimes here are the occasions that I hold the “high ground” and forfeit it by making a point of it. Kind of shitty, really.
We’ve all got stuff.
As is probably apparent to those who check, I’ve moved on.
And, as always, am trying my best to continue to do so.
I’ll be making a new online home (for personal, professional, and creative purposes) in the near future and intend to treat it and myself better than the negative emotional entrenchment I engaged a little too long while spilling and cherishing lifestuffs here.
Please, be well.
We all deserve a little better.
P.S. If anybody cares to find me, then feel free to drop me a line. I’ll gladly share my new address (with some) once it’s ready.
I miss talking.
Starting to strongly consider retiring this blog.
Disappearing has a very sexy look to it.
Can’t stop eating vegetables.
Can’t remember how to sleep.